A Back Handed “High-Five” to the Person in the Office Who Keeps Stealing My Banana
To the person in the office who keeps stealing/throwing away/eating my banana that I leave in the office refrigerator…I’m blasting you.
I’m sure your two of many thoughts are:
- Duh Rachel, never leave anything in the office kitchen.
- Why are you keeping a banana in the refrigerator….
Well you see, the context of this situation is that I use half a banana every day for my breakfast smoothie. Therefore, I put the other half into the fridge to keep it cool/fresh for the next day until I use it.
IN WHICH CASE
If you are the culprit of my continuous banana abduction, then here’s some words for you:
- If you are throwing away my banana: Why? Are you discriminating against its color just because it’s turning a tad brown? Is my 1/2 banana not pretty enough for you that you must discard it to waste? Is its 18 hour presence in the refrigerator taking up space for YOUR fruit? If that’s the case, why don’t you throw away the box of donuts that have been sitting in there for the past 3 weeks, because THAT is gross.
- If you are eating my banana: Why? If you are at a loss of food, there’s a box of snacks you can purchase for $1 sitting on the counter…If you can’t afford a dollar snack, at our office, that you work at, for money; then I mean that’s a topic of conversation for your superior. But if those snacks aren’t up to par for your liking and you would like to indulge in a healthy alternative: MY 1/2 BANANA DOES NOT QUALIFY SO IDK WHY YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST TAKE IT.
- If you are using my banana: And by using I mean…hey, I don’t judge. Do as you please with bananas, just DON’T take your antics out on mine…Just know that what ever you are using my banana for, whether that be to play boomerang in the office, or for your own personal smoothie benefits, then SHAME ON YOU. You just left a poor girl who wakes up at 4am cold, tired, and without breakfast because my smoothie seriously tastes shitty without that 1/2 banana.
Considering that I WILL continue to make smoothies for breakfast and that I WILL continue to bring in bananas to work…
I have thought of some precautions that may curtail your looting methods:
- I could write my name on my banana with a Sharpie, considering you don’t eat the peel. Or do you? Weirdo.
- I could write a kind note and attach it to my banana that says: Kindly F@#$(#&$K OFF.
- I could stick a voodoo doll into it’s mushy-ness with a note that says “This could be you but you trippin’“
- I could write a passive-aggressive blog and share it with the whole office in order to stir such a sense of embarrassment within your soul that you’ll never do it again.
I chose the latter.
Therefore, here’s a back-handed “high-five” to you to say THANKS for bringing my office kitchen fears to life, for leaving me starved, and for giving me something to blog about.
Whomever you are: Please leave me and my bananas alone.
Pissed Banana Owner
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