Dear PETA – If I Were an Elephant I’d Want To Live in a Zoo

PETA - the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals - wants to help out South Jersey's favorite pachyderm, Lucy the Elephant.

But, there's a catch.

Lucy the Elephant, who "resides" in Margate, is in need of some maintenance and general fixing up. There's not a lot of money available, and various fundraisers are being tried to help the big old girl.

According to NBC 10, PETA has thrown a lifeline to the people who operate Lucy. PETA is pledging $58,000 to the Fix-Up-Lucy cause, but they're asking for something in return:

PETA is asking that Lucy be "decorated" with a message about the unfair treatment of elephants in zoos — an allegation that PETA says it's substantiated through extensive investigation.

No word from NBC if the Lucy people are considering the offer to make Lucy a "Cause" Elephant. No word, yet either from Richard Helfant, Lucy's CEO and Executive Director. (By the way, how AWESOME is it that Lucy the Elephant's leader has a name that actually almost sounds like the word "elephant!")

While we wait to see what happens, I have some words for PETA: If I'm an elephant, I'd WANT to be in a zoo! I'd get fed regularly, I'd get water regularly, and I'd have a place to live where rich dentists aren't trying to shoot me and other animals aren't trying to eat me! On top of that, I get a bath once in a while, and I don't have to worry about having to avoid the plague, dysentery, and other weird diseases. Plus, if I do get sick, someone tries to help me! You want me to do a trick once in a while? Sure! Which way should I wave my trunk?