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These Are Not My Favorite South Jersey Things

New Jersey
Allen Stoner

South Jersey is my home, and I am stronger than the storm.

Wait. That’s something else.

South Jersey is my home, and I love most things about South Jersey. There are, however, some things I’m not in love with. They include:

*Jughandles. The first time I heard the term, I thought someone was telling me about moonshine. “Take the jughandle….”  Give me a left turn lane and an arrow, and I can make that left turn in heavy traffic every day of the week.

*Thin crust pizza. I like a thick crust. I pick up the thin crust pizza, and the hot cheese slides right off. Fold my pizza? I fold laundry, metal chairs, and newspapers – I don’t want to fold my pizza.

*Water ice. Look, it’s just ice and flavored water. Give me some ice cream or frozen custard instead, please.

*Philly Pretzels. I’ll have one once in a great while, but I’m not climbing over people to have one. Why do you need to buy a whole big box?

*Mummers. I don’t get the costumes, I don’t get the music, I don’t get the parade. Give me a bunch of Shriners in funny hats and a funny little car – I get that!

*Pork Roll. I’m sorry, it’s made from what? No, thank you, I’ll have some bacon instead.

*Diners. They’re pretty much just big cold restaurants with no theme, right? Who needs a menu that big? Tell me your soup of the day, and your best sandwich and I’ll take that, please.

*Jerry Blavat, the old-time rock-n-roll DJ.  “But, he’s a legend!” Have you ever tried to listen to him on the radio? What the heck? Just because something is old, that doesn’t make it a legend. That just makes it old.

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