An Open Apology Letter From New Jersey to the Rest of America
To the 49 other states that make up the US of A,
As the 3rd state to ratify the constitution, we're sorry that... we are not sorry. Let us elaborate: Not many people like us. We've taken the heat for it all; Being the "Armpit of America", also known as "Dirty Jersey" that's good for nothing other than pumping our fists and not our own gas. But let us make something clear-- we're sorry that we ARE NOT sorry.
We are sorry that you do not "Eat Well" like the precious Garden State does. The nutritional value of our fresh tomatoes, corn, blueberries and other produce quite surpasses that of your local grocery store and we understand how that may upset you. We also understand that this whole Pork Roll vs. Taylor Ham debate can get annoying, but you just won't understand until you lived it. Which you won't, because you're not from New Jersey. So for that, we're so incredibly sorry.
We're also truly sorry for "stealing" your sports teams. Though we don't have many to call our own, we can't help that we're very geographically fortunate to be trapped in the middle of two major cities, NYC and Philadelphia, that contain some pretty awesome sports teams (one of which just won Super Bowl 52). But hey don't get it twisted: We still house over 75 resort cities and historical sites. Many of which lay along our oh-so-stereotyped “Jersey Shore”. We're also really sorry that we're able to experience all 4 seasons, and some of you may not. So for your inability to experience, explore and reverse the negative connotation towards us, we're DEFINITELY sorry.
There's definitely an apology needed for our ability to "make money, and spend it". It's not fair that we have the most shopping malls in the nation, and to top it off-- some of the best names in retail reside in just 25 miles of one another! While the rest of you have to travel great distances for great shopping, it's conveniently located in our back yard...and that's simply not fair. So, we're sorry!
Lastly, we're sorry that even in those very frigid, rainy, windy or even blizzard driven months, you still have to "pump gas", aka get out of your car to put gas in your vehicle, just to make sure your family has a means of escaping in case of disaster. No one should have to bare that agony of standing outside by the gas pump while the folks here in NJ can sit in their warm and cosy cars with nothing but a flick of the wrist.
In conclusion, New Jersey is incredibly sorry to the rest of America. If some of you are still asking, "why?" Well, it's because we've finally come to the terms with idea that: No-one likes us but us. And for that, we're sorry...that we're not sorry.
Your New Joisey Guidos
(*sips cawfy with bagel in hand*)
P.S.-- we actually are seriously sorry about Chris Christie...that was our bad.