A New Idea for Awards Shows

From the desk of Mr. Cranky Pants: we, as a country, need to have a frank discussion about awards shows.

It seems like every week, there's another awards show on TV. You got your Grammy Awards, your Emmy Awards (both daytime and prime time), Tony Awards, SAG Awards, the Oscars, the ESPYs, CMAs, ACMs, Billboard Music Awards, Kid's Choice Awards, Film Independent Spirit Awards (I don't even know what that is), the Golden Globes, Critics' Choice Awards, the VMAs, American Music Awards, People's Choice Awards... you got your awards that experts vote on, awards that regular people vote on, awards that critics vote on... you get my point.

Here's my idea to fix this problem: we get every famous person on the planet -- actors and actresses, producers, directors, song writers, people who draw cartoons, YouTube stars, film editors, singers, musicians from every genre of music ever created -- every famous person all together in a giant stadium (let's plan on some place in New Jersey so we get some benefit out of this, like, maybe MetLife Stadium since that seats 82,000 people). Every famous person on the planet is in MetLife Stadium and everyone gets a trophy. All 82,000 people. On the same night, at the same time. And maybe, just for fun, all 82,000 famous people get a $20 gift card or something, too. For their troubles. And none of this stuff where, "[insert famous person] couldn't be here tonight so we'll accept the award for him" -- no. If you're not there, you don't get one. This is your one shot to show the world that you are just as good as the person sitting next to you in section 349, row 19, seat 14, at MetLife Stadium. No show, no trophy. And no gift card either.

You can still have the big red carpet thing where famous people parade in front of all of the cameras (granted it might take a day and a half for 82,000 people to walk the red carpet) -- but that's the price to pay for everyone to be recognized for all of the work that they do.

But, you're asking yourself, "there's gotta be more than 82,000 famous people on the planet!" Tough. That's part of the problem, too. We need to move some people off of the "I'm famous" list while we're at it. The top 82,000 most talented people get in. That's where we draw the line (famous person #82,001 and beyond -- they don't get their own show).

But, now you're asking yourself, "what about the chance for people to give their acceptance speech!" Problem solved: everyone stands up at the same time and everyone gives their speech at the same time. Like a game show, we'll put 60 seconds on the clock -- do your thing. Thank anyone you want, make whatever political statement you want to make, cry, laugh, tell everyone, "I didn't expect to win this!" -- it's your 60 seconds. Done. If you're really one of the top 82,000 famous people on the planet, you'll find a way to make your voice heard.

82,000 people in, everyone gets a trophy, 82,000 acceptance speeches at once, everyone gets a $20 gift card, everyone leaves. The whole thing is done on one night.

Literally, this is a win-win for everyone.

And for the record, it's ideas like this that prevent me from being put in charge of anything important here at the radio station.