Earlier today, Joe Kelly announced he will be opening a casino in Atlantic City later this year. Now, I am here to announce that not only will I be opening my own casino, but mine will be more better than Joe's.

I am a firm believer that when there is competition amongst businesses ultimately the consumer wins.

And with that in mind, I am announcing that I, Cat Country's Chris Coleman, will be opening my own casino in Atlantic City.

Joe's will be reportedly be opening in July -- mine will be opening in June.

Joe's is going to be at Rhode Island and the Boardwalk -- mine will be at Vermont and the Boardwalk, just a couple blocks north (mine's to the north to bring you "a more exclusive unobstructed view of the ocean").

Vermont & The Boardwalk, Atlantic City - Google Maps
Vermont & The Boardwalk, Atlantic City - Google Maps

Joe did not mention that his casino would also have a hotel -- mine will. But only four rooms.

Why four? Simple. I'm pretty sure I can keep all four rooms booked every day of the week. If I do that, I can claim 100% occupancy year-round, something no other casino hotel in the nation can claim (it's all about marketing!).

Joe is going to have a card table with a pair of lucky dice. I will exclusively have slot machines -- but only three of them. Why three? If my four rooms are booked and there are only three slot machines, that will create demand. When you have demand, there are people waiting in lines. When people wait in lines, other people walking by want to know why those people are waiting in line, which will make them wait in line, which will make my casino profitable on day one.

Now you might be asking, "won't a casino with only three slot machines look really tiny?" No -- I'll be using lots of mirrors.

I told you it was all about marketing.

Restaurants? Joe didn't mention he would have any. Mine most certainly will. I'm going to have a barbecue in the parking lot with a cooler sitting next to it containing hot dogs. Hungry? Chuck one on the grill there, skippy, and you'll be chowing-down in no time at all (this is my 'rapid self service with low overhead' restaurant model).

Live entertainment? You betcha! All of our concerts will be in our exclusive "deluxe outdoor party amphitheater that's just steps away from the hottest action in Atlantic City!" I don't know what that means just yet but it sounds pretty good.

I look forward to seeing you this June in my new ultra-exclusive Atlantic City casino (that will never exist because this is all just for fun).

Oh -- and there's no word yet if Georgia will be venturing into the fake casino business...

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