Seven Things We Wish Were Killing the Whales at the Jersey Shore
Warning! This article is meant to be humorous. I have a somewhat warped sense of humor. If you might be offended reading my humor, click away, click away.
You've been warned.
OK, so we've all heard about the dead, smelly whales that have been found on some New Jersey and other East Coast beaches over the last few weeks.
Brigantine was the latest whale crashing location. There have been two whales that have washed up in Atlantic City (we're talking the ocean kind of whale, not the Atlantic City high gambling whale), one in Strathmere, and one in Keansburg.
What's causing this? Is it natural? Many have wondered if it has anything to do with wind-farm construction that is taking place offshore.
New Jersey Congressman Jeff Van Drew has called for an end to all offshore wind activity until a research study can be done to find out what is the impact of the work. Could the wind projects be what is killing the whales?
(Warning! Last chance - here comes the humor. Or, better, my attempt at humor.)
I bring to the conversation this: what if other things are killing the whales? Other things we can control!
1. Paper Straws.
If it's determined paper straws are killing whales, maybe we can do away with paper straws in New Jersey and bring back plastic straws. Show me one whale that died from a plastic straw!
2. Tom Brady.
Face it. New Jersey hates Tom Brady. If we can blame the death of whales on Tom Brady, maybe we can get him shipped to Alaska or somewhere.
3. CVS Receipts.
Maybe the whales are being tangled in CVS receipts. If that's the case, CVS can start making shorter, more normal-sized receipts. Yes, I know I can choose to get my receipts emailed to me, but I don't have a printer that works at home and then I'd have to sneak-print them out at work, and it becomes a whole big thing.
4. Selfish, Self-Absorbed Politicians.
Wait. Isn't that every politician? Let's get rid of them all, just in case!
5. Cold Weather.
Who needs it? Let's eat up the globe. Global Warming Saves Whales! I'm all in!
6. Full Service Gas Stations.
I'm the New Jersey guy who's done with full serve. Look, they just can't get enough people to work and pump gas. It would be so much quicker and easier if I could just do it myself.
7. People on Facebook Who Don't Know the Difference Between "your" and "you're."
I always want to comment when I see these posts, but I don't want to be "that guy." Instead of being direct, I could just start saying, "Your Killing the Whales! Stop it!"
Well, that's it. If you found this funny, share it with your friends - both of them.
Yes, I did use "your' incorrectly two paragraphs back to see if you'd notice.
Yes, I have too much time on my hands.