My fellow New Jerseyans, it is time.
It is time that South Jersey breaks off from the Garden State and becomes its own entity.
Not a state, but a country. The Country of South Jersey!
I have you so far, right? Well, stay with me, because here's the best part:
I, Joe Kelly, should be your leader. Your President. The President of South Jersey!
(By the way, the Country of South Jersey will include these counties: Atlantic, Cape May, Cumberland, and Ocean. The reason for this is simple: I don't want it to be too big and I don't want to have to drive a lot...)
Now, back to me, as your president!
I'm the natural pick! I already lead South Jersey's most listened-to morning radio show - so, it's almost a natural progression to become President.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Why you Joe Kelly, why you?"
Well, here's my Top 10 list of why I, Joe Kelly, should be the President of South Jersey:
1. I love South Jersey. It's my home. I choose to live here. I'd be thrilled to lead and represent.
2. I won't BS you. If things in South Jersey are good, I'll tell you. If they suck, I'll tell you.
3. I won't use big words. I'll use words we all understand. Words like "BS" and "suck"....
4. I won't do the Taylor Ham and Pork Roll debate. Instead, one word: BACON!
5. I'll eliminate all taxes you're paying now. No income tax in the Country of South Jersey. No property tax. No taxes period. (You're wondering how we'll pay for stuff? Well, me too! Maybe things will suck before they get good.)
6. I won't lie to you. (See the quagmire I already created with #5. I was honest with you there, right?)
7. I will do my best to bring the following eateries to the Country of South Jersey: Panera Bread, Cheesecake Factory, Mellow Mushroom, Culver's, and Shake Shack. This will be taking the majority of my time in office - and, during lunch.
8. I will forbid beach tag fees in the Country of South Jersey. Done.
9. I will not allow "New Jersey Politics" to enter our country. You can't buy, bribe, or force your way in South Jersey. We are a "People First" country!
10. Pizza. I will force all pizza places to remain open 24 hours. That way, if I want to get a sausage and mushroom pizza at 6:30 am, I can do it!
Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Let the succession begin!