Look, I get weird phone calls and emails all the time, just like you. Many from people trying to pull a fast one and scam me.
This one, though, was different.
Yes, it was still someone trying to scam me (I think....), but they took a different tactic: she wanted me to agree to adopt and raise her child.
For the record, if someone really and honestly wanted me to adopt and raise their child, I would give it serious consideration. Being a dad - and a stepdad - has been the greatest experience of my life.
So, how did this happen?
I got an email, of course.
The email came to me from someone posing to be "Mrs. Grace Briggs Affleck" - a widow, "born in the USA" (Hey, just like the song!). She proclaims to be a widow now living in London, with her only daughter - an 11-year-old named Stephanie.
"I am writing to ask for your help to please accept my child in the name of God and help me to raise her up, I grew up as an orphan and now a widow, I have nobody to help take care of her because I was recently diagnosed cancer and I have only two months to live..."
Well, that's a shame. If this weren't a scam attempt, I would probably feel bad for Mrs. Affleck and young Stephanie.
Mrs. Affleck goes on to provide detail of the money that she will share with me once I agree to take young Stephanie under my wing and my roof. It's the sum of "7m$ (Thousand United States Dollars ) ."
Wait, does she really mean $7,000? That's not a lot to care for and feed young Stephanie through her formative teen years, is it?
"We are willing to transfer the ownership of the money to your name while you help my daughter to come over to your country to continue her education, and take care of her needs until she grows up and be able to take care of herself, she is a lovely child and I don’t want her to suffer anymore, my husband people abandoned us and confiscated all my husband properties in the states, and even planned to kills us due to their greed, we are hiding here in United Kingdom and I don’t want anything to happen to my beloved child, please help me adopt her as your own child and give her the best in life, please do that and God will bless you and your family, We are willing to offer you the 20% of the total money I told you about if you help me to adopt my child and train her for me."
As you can see, Mrs. Affleck is a fan of the run-on sentence. Perhaps her lack of punctuation is a result of her pain and suffering.
Wait - she's only going to give me 20% of the $7,000 to raise her daughter? That's $1,400. That's it?
Look, I like to think of myself as a nice, caring person. If indeed someone was serious about me adopting their child, I would do it for nothing - but offering me $1,400 is not going to change my mind if I'm on the fence. It's almost a slap in the face, right?
I mean, if you're going to scam me, SCAM ME! Entice me! Offer to make my life easier, not more difficult!
Mrs. Affleck concludes her email by reminding me she's only got two months left on this earth.
Such a shame.
Such a shame that I'm going to have to report Mrs. Affleck to the World Organization of Scammers to let them take care of one of their own.
And all of this right on the heels of the made-up holidays, Daughter's Day and Son's Day!